SEARCHING FOR THE LIGHT

“I think that humans have a huge capacity to carry pain and sadness. There are things that haunt us our entire lives; we are unable to let them go. The good times seem almost effervescent and dreamlike in comparison with the times that didn’t go so well.”

Henry Rollins

People often misunderstand, avoid and judge others, simply because, they judge based on their own life experience.

I never intended to write this, however, I have in the last few days, began a process, that I can not stop.

Throughout my life, I hid my never ending thoughts. Some of the darkest truths that have caused me more pain than anyone, who has never been in my position can imagine.

Truths sometimes cause pain and shame that’s impossible to share!

I will not go into the detail of those truths, (maybe one day) those events that shaped my life.

Rather, I shall try and explain how my mind has protected and failed me.

Two hours ago I took, two sleeping pills, two Valium, and a couple of pain killers. I can’t sleep even with that cocktail of drugs.

When I have thoughts running through my head, and that’s Most of the time. I just can’t stop my brain from taking me into a narrative that is uncontrollable, painful, and destructive.

The things I protect myself from, are old issues, childhood issues, and some may say, ‘get over it’ However, I don’t think I ever will or can entirely.

understanding yourself can help, even when your innocent.

What I can do, and have done, is to see the issues in the purest form of truth, both from my side, and the side of darkness.

I find that with many things, there is always a reasonable thought process, that can reveal a less dark yet still disturbing truth, and that truth will always be on my side of the equation.

If I focus on the other side, the darker side, I can not control the situation in my mind. This causes me pain and will ultimately destroy what little sanity I still possess.

you can hide, be silent, but you can never escape the past

While for many years, i have had the ability to hide the darkness deep within, it was released by a simple comment, used to embarrass and humiliate me, by a person who had the power the responsibility, to minimise the damage caused to me on one occasion.

They never exercised that power at the time

and…

Many years after, and recognising me, they chose to humiliate me, to watch me die inside as their words broke my heart and spirt. It was a second beginning of the end for me.

it destroys your soul when others take pleasure in your pain.

I tried so hard to brush it off, to use my mind to rationalise the fact that this person was not, and would not, play a part in my life after that moment but the damage was done.

I partially succeeded until a major disaster struck the business we had purchased from him, he was a person I did not recognise prior to taking over their business, a crossing of paths, I could never have anticipated.

some people want you to feel like this, then they have control.

Consequently , I had a breakdown, a major breakdown, that has been with me for so long now, I feel like I’m a prisoner in my own home. A scared little boy once again.

I feel afraid to participate in my community, and limit my interactions to when I have no other choice, could someone else recognise me?

The darkness stayed within me, and the lighter moments when I felt I could cope, diminished even more as time passed.

everyone needs support sometimes, but it can be hard to find.

I have always known that I needed support, that I needed to tell my story to someone, to drag the darkness out into the light and find a way to stop blaming myself for not being in control at the time. But I was a child, a bright child who could have had a bright future.

As much as I can blame others for inflicting pain, I have always also blamed myself for allowing them to do it.

I needed to find a way to make that stop, and just by chance, I was put in contact with a person that knows what happened, a person who cares, does not judge, and most of all I trust to listen to me.

I’m not sure if I’m being optimistic about the outcome, but I know I need to try, to unblock the tragic events I suffered.

It frightens me however. I fear the pain even more than I fear death, and the pain is never ending.

I don’t feel like I have a choice but to try, for myself, my family, and to try and stop this happening to others.

Its been a longtime, and I hope this is a step in the right direction. I know it will never be the life I deserved, but hopefully, a more peaceful existence, where I can once again begin to trust?!

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