Just thoughts that keep me from sleep.

When you have fought most of your life to maintain a blackout of earlier times, darker times, that caused you pain, it becomes difficult to make sense of it all when and if you need to in later years.

There are so many things I don’t want to remember, things I don’t want to drag from the past into the present. The problem is, if I don’t or can’t, then I may never find peace. So what to do?

I have never had to deal with this before, how do I even begin? How do I mentally deal with events from the past that were dehumanising to say the least. I have tried to stay in control of my thoughts and not let them be diverted or questioned, but here I’am questioning every thought I have, trying to break through brick walls that have been up for a long time.

There is no doubt that my experiences actually occurred. There is no doubt what occurred. The issue is when it occurred, getting a time line in the right order, that makes sense.

Things that occurred during my childhood were a nightmare, how do I even begin to reconstruct anything without reliving the pain?

I know that if I had not built my mental walls, I would never have survived, I would not have survived the events let alone the years to come. I never imagined that I would be in a position where I needed to work so hard, to struggle so much, to feel so bad again, just to hope for peace with my own mind.

It is a fact that I was not the only one to go through these events, I know that! But I’m not those other people, I’m me, I have a unique brain, a distinct personality just like everyone else. We are linked by the events that were out of our control, and I’m sure we all dealt with our emotions in very different ways at the time.

This is the problem, as much as we never spoke to adults about it at the time, we never spoke too each other either. We spent most of our time being the uncontrollable children we were told we were. It was shameful, even if they were shared experiences. It was not a topic of general conversation. While some things happened as a small group, other things happened as individuals, there were so many things in play at the time, I can’t even begin to explain.

Am I just thinking too much?

Trying to deal with the issue too fast?

Will everything just flood back in a rush that I may not be ready for?

I’m truly fear the answers. I feel like I have no control over the only thing I have controlled completely, for so many years.

I know this is a false feeling, in reality no one can take control of me ever again, it just can’t happen!

When I dare to look back over my life, the darkest periods certainly had their negative place, caused me a lot of stress, completely broke me as a human being, but I was able to push them back to where I needed them to be, back to a part of my brain that could never be breached, except it could.

I know there are ways to bring repressed memories back, and I can understand that for some people, this may be a good thing, but given the horror I know is there, is that a good thing for me?

I already live a life of both physical and mental pain, I live in a prison that I have created for myself, to protect myself.

What happens when my safe place is gone? Will I magically be able to rejoin the world as a normal person?

Right at this moment I don’t think it’s possible, maybe it will never be possible, and I don’t want to become a basket case again, and I’m struggling to understand how to move forward.

I’m waiting for documents that will give me a little more perspective, a little of the information I have suppressed maybe? photographs of people, and places all linked to certain periods in time, all linked to events that no human let alone a child should ever have to experience.

I’m sure they will do something, I’m just not sure what, and my imagination is running wild, not in a good way.

For a long time, I have had a major problem with how people perceive me. I can’t see that ever changing anytime soon.

I don’t deal with labels well, and while I love to write, this is not a subject I even like to think about.

I have one label that I can’t avoid people knowing about. It’s a label I get judged on all the time. Being on a disability pension, having a disability is hard, especially when I don’t look disabled. The press and even the government, suggesting people use the disability pension to get out of having to look for work, comes straight back on me too.

It’s a disaster when anyone asks “So what do you do”. There is no good answer in my mind, so they just get the truth.

While my PTSD is listed as one of my main disabilities, after 17+ years locked up in my home, I have developed many physical disabilities as well.

I suffer from unbearable physical pain from osteoarthritis in all my joints and back. I have suffered multiple heart Attacks, and to be honest I’m just waiting for the next one, and I’m not afraid of dying if it were to be the last.

I’m not a destructive person, I watch my diet as much as I can afford too, I do my best to walk to keep things moving, but it’s difficult.

Walking is both enjoyable and self inflicted carnage, I can push through the pain while I’m moving, but once I stop to rest, the pain intensifies so much it’s different to start again.

I have walked upto 24km approx 10 Miles in a day/night. It’s a slow walk and by the time I’m getting close to home again, my body is screaming, crawl you bastard while I’m screaming back NO!!

I wish more than anything that I could work, but my anxiety won’t let me, and my physical condition restricts me.

A position where I could work with minimal people around me, with no pressure to perform, and being able to achieve outcomes that make others happy would be perfect. I just don’t think that position exists.

I have tried teaching myself web design, but the software costs are prohibitive, and it keeps changing so quickly.

I have also found at times, that the internet becomes as stressful as a crowded room.

I know, I can’t see anyone, and they can’t see me, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference to my brain.

My last post told the story of how I finally broke for the last time, not that I wasn’t already broken, but at least I had the ability to control my mind a little better, to function at a higher level, I could even tolerate people, serve on boards and give speeches.

That all changed very quickly, and I don’t know how to go backwards, when I have always tried to push myself forward.

I started to write this post, to try and help me get rid of thoughts that won’t stop running through my head. It helped last night, so I thought I would try again.

it’s now 4:13am 5 hours since I took my medication and went to bed the first time. I need to try again, and will read this back in the morning, just Incase the stories not complete.

8:35am- some sleep is better than none right? I think I’m quickly starting to understand why some people drink, while others may use illegal drugs to devour their thoughts, to dull what must be some really painful shit in their lives.

I’m certainly guilty of judging people in that way. I don’t drink, not only because it gives me a headache, but also because I can’t stand drunks. Have I judged them too harshly? I can’t say I have never used drugs to dull my pain, but it’s only gotten to the pot stage, and even that doesn’t make me feel good anymore, so I don’t do it these days.

I have a very small circle of friends, ok it’s not a circle, more like a square. I really don’t deal with people well as I may have already said.

If I don’t feel comfortable around someone, even if I can avoid interacting with them, I tend not to allow them into that very small, squarish, Circle, that could be a triangle.

It probably can’t be any of those things in reality, even a circle needs a beginning and an end where at least one personal friend knows the other. Right?

It seems that I’m an avoider, probably a problem all of its own. I will avoid situations, places and people in a big way if I can.

It’s not even a case of if I can, the fact is I can. I make my decisions, and as selfish as it may seem, it’s the only way I can be comfortable with life.

I can only apologise to anyone who has taken the time to read this far. Crazy man alert or what!!

For those who stopped half way through, get stuffed. A totally irrelevant statement, given that anyone who never read this far will never see it.

I shall leave it as a testament to how crazy I really am, maybe my wife can use it in court someday to have me locked away. Although, it’s not totally untrue when I say, she is as mad as a hatter your honour.

That’s all you will ever hear of my wife on this blog. I need her to read this sometimes, she is my rational mind, can’t risk that!

Ok 9:31 and I’m too tired to even believe I’m making sense, I hope you totally enjoyed watching me go mad! I will try and be a normal person if such a thing actually exists, the next time I write, but for now you can just deal with it.

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