UNCONTROLLABLE

I never knew, I never understood just how unwanted I was. I was cast aside as an uncontrollable child, I was a liability that stopped my mother from having the freedoms she never had as a young woman.

I can understand to a certain degree, it would have been hard to have 4 children, an abusive husband, while still trying to remain young and free.

As a young child I can remember the fights they had, I can remember them both drinking heavily, the problem was they liked to argue, and my mother would push and my father would punch.

Nothing was right about either of them, my father had no self control as a drunk, I hate drunks, I can’t stand being around them.

My mother had no moral compass and slept around, giving birth to her fourth child who was from another father.

He is still my brother thou, and I love him and have never seen him as any less of a brother because of her indiscretions.

This is about me thou, this is about me trying to gain a life, that as a child I was denied. There are so many people to blame, so many people who made me who I was then, and who I have become today.

While my parents both had their faults, and had no right having children in my opinion, they only build part of the road I was ultimately to take.

Both of them were wrong, no man should hit any woman, and no woman should ever marry a man if they are not prepared to fully commit to them and most of all their children, the innocent victims of human emotion.

He was wrong, but I can understand how finding you wife in bed with another man may destroy you, but he should have just left her!

Today I received the records of my court hearing that had me placed into a boys home, after my mother had married for a third time.

Not only did she completely skip over the fact that she had a second husband, she neglected to mention, that her third husband, was a friend of her second husband, that she was having an affair with while he was at work in the army.

She painted me as the most evil child and I’m devastated.

She stated that when I was 4. I said while she was being bashed, “give her one for me dad” what the fuck!! This was the 60’s we had just gotten tv in Australia, and I don’t think we even had a tv when I was 4.

Where would a 4 year old even find those words in the 60’s, how could a 4 yr old even string that together and understand what they were saying?

If I did say that, I should have been removed from that home immediately, sent to a shrink and my few years on this earth analysed to death.

My memory of their fights were that we would be crying, cowering in a corner of our bedroom, I can’t even imagine or see myself in any other situation, let alone taking joy watching my mother being abused.

The prepared statement by a social worker at the court, had painted me so poorly, and I can not believe they accepted her lies.

I was struggling before I received the file, and now I’m feeling so sick.

I had made 4 hours of recordings prior to receiving the file to try and sort out memories into a time line.

I had come to the conclusion then, that I was not uncontrollable, I was unwanted given the number of places she had dumped us all over the years since ending her second marriage.

This document only confirms that for me!

I’m so unhappy, and while I will continue to do my best to be the best person I can be, and survive the nightmares I have endured at the hands of so many, I can’t help but wonder if I should ever have been born.

I apologise to anyone who reads this. I don’t mean to keep trying to look like a victim. I seek nothing but peace while hoping that writing something, will help me at sometime in the future.

I know I’m now in control and I just need to learn how to maintain that control so I can exist as a normal person.

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