It’s not a choice I make, it’s not something I can control, it’s just the way it is.
For so long I have been able to bury enough that I could get past some of the everyday struggles, but….
I can’t seem to fight anymore. Of course there is an element of depression, that’s normal for even the strongest person, however, the depression is a result of my inability to cope with even the smallest negative situation.
A professional would treat the depression, and would be wrong. It’s not the cause of anything, it’s the result of everything.
I’m not depressed until I have to either fight or flee. This can be as small as a look from a stranger or someone taking me for a ride and ripping me off.
It’s now out of my control as it was many years ago when I had a complete breakdown. I feel the same and I don’t understand why.
I can look at everything I have been through in the recent past, uncovering the distant past, but I was and should be able to cope with that.
I do have medical issues such as all my heart attacks this year that are stressing me, but I have had medical issues for many years, and I should be able to cope with that.
I say I’m a thinker, I’m a constant thinker, it doesn’t matter what the issue is, I think about it until the next issue arises or I fall asleep.
Right now, today, this week, this month, my brain won’t stop long enough to even allow me to sleep until I’m so completely exhausted, that I can’t think at all.
Medications don’t work properly for me. Two sleeping pills and a couple of Valium should knock me out.
I don’t abuse medication and only turn to it when I’m desperate, so it should work.
I don’t like medications! I have so many that I must take. I also don’t want to build up a tolerance, I don’t like waking up groggy either.🥴
I’m the type of person who gets a hangover from one drink, so I don’t drink. Therefore it makes no sense to me that the medication I need when I’m desperate, won’t work.
There are so many medications I can’t take.
Almost all strong pain killers will make me sick. So I use pandeine forte (Panadol+codeine).
I have tried so many only to throw them in the bin, including Fentanyl of any strength, it’s not good.
I don’t understand why I’m wired so that drugs just don’t work (but I’m thinking about it), and I feel like I have lost a battle I should have been able to win.
While I don’t in the slightest feel like hurting myself, I feel like my body is giving up, and I can’t fight it anymore.
I have no fear of death, I haven’t in a long long time. My beliefs (not religious as such) tell me it’s not something to fear.
The only thing i truly fear is the pain of those I will leave behind and I kind of think that’s normal, at least I have thought it out and maybe while people generally say they fear death, they really don’t.
They fear knowing or understanding the pain of loss that others will feel.
I’m happy to accept it’s just me, but it could also be those who just don’t like to think about it or don’t think about it to the same extent that I do.
What I really want to do, is stand up to those who do the wrong thing by me, I want to be able to say I will take you to court and actually do it, I want to be able to work. I want to be able to respect myself again.
Maybe I just want too much, and should accept that I’m special, different, lost to the real world and need to stay in the one I can build for myself.
The only real problem is that my world is a prison with no locks other than those I control, and people don’t understand, but are more than happy to judge and it hurts.
It hurts more than being trapped in my own head.
I will continue to exist as long as I do, and do the things my wonderful family, friends and doctor asks me to do. I just can’t do anymore than that anymore, the more I try, the more pain I’m in and it’s enough.
So that’s my thought and the way it is for now!!
If you read this:
Please don’t let it depress you.
While I have a lot of problems, I’m in a good place. Just not the best place, I’m safe and I go without nothing.
I’m sure so many others have it much worse. To them I say sorry, life should not be so hard and I wish I could help you as much as I wanted to help myself.